Typical reaction to a plea from a committee member

Constantly battling against apathy and cynicism, the Sports and Social Club does its best to make life at C-Ps’ worth living. Every year the members of its committee face a barrage of criticism at the annual general meeting; were it not for Toady Thompson the traditional call for a vote of thanks to retiring officials would be met with stony silence from the massed ranks of hostile clerks strip 2861.

Perhaps a reason for the hostility is that each year the meeting cannot start until there is a quorum. Ranges of tricks are employed to bring members into the room. One year it may be trails of coins (followed by Atkins of Accounts), trails of sawdust (followed by the carpenter) and trails of pins (followed by Bristow); another year detour signs are placed in the corridors forcing the departing clerks into a one-way system that leads to the meeting room.

The Sports side is not noted for its achievements. One year there is only member active in Judo, Karate and Weightlifting. The AGM votes to close them down - unfortunately no-one volunteers to be the person to break the bad news to the sole member who is working out in the gym at that moment. (Not too surprising really, seeing as that man happens to Muscles Maddox the firm's bully).

Aside from the Dinner & Dance (see below) the Social Club tries to put on various festivities. Things are livened up when one of the waitresses - Dolly "Fun Fun" White becomes president. She plans a Halloween rave up, a Christmas Caper, a New Year Knees up, a Valentine day thrash...and many more. The Halloween party (which is a life-saver for Bodega Brothers) is ruined when a drunken hobgoblin abuses the barman, jeers at the assembly, throws wine over the M.C. and attacks the band with a witches broomstick. Bristow remarks thoughtfully "I didn't know Peterson of Public Relations was interested in the supernatural ". It seems likely that the rest of Dolly's imaginative programme vanished under a welter of apathy because little more is heard of it.

The Annual Christmas Dinner & Dance

Although the club organises a number of sporting activities these are poorly attended. The main event of the year is the Annual Christmas Dinner & Dance. The committee has a varying degree of committment to the Dance and goes through with it despite their true feelings - strip 5538. This glittering occasion is eagerly anticipated by the girls in the typing pool (in case Robin Chester- Perry should attend) and regarded with weary resignation by everyone else. If Bristow is keen to sell tickets then the reason will be that if he sells enough he doesn't have to go. There are several important traditions:

When the speeches begin there is a mass rush for the bar.

Bristow finds himself buying a round of drinks that wipes out his lunch money, tea money, fares, cinema money and savings for the next month

A barrage of bread rolls meets speeches from the top table.

The speakers fortify themselves with alcohol before taking their places.

Peterson of Public Relations launches a swingeing attack on the food, the decorations and entertainment and is ejected with the traditional cry "And stay out".

Mr. Gordon Blue cooks his finest golden turkey with roast potatoes, Brussels sprouts and all the trimmings, only to see it smothered in tomato ketchup and then rejected with contumely ("I think the station buffet will still be open")

A number of committee members station themselves by the doors (not to prevent gatecrashers but to stop anyone leaving early).

Sir Reginald Chester-Perry is always invited to attend and sadly, is always unable to do so. The inevitable reason is that he has rearranged his holiday schedules to overlap with the date of the Dance, regardless of when it takes place. This does not deter the committee from trying again each year, with ever more desperate suggestions for enforcing his presence.

Robin Chester-Perry did attend the odd do but after his marriage to Fiona he has found better things to occupy his time.

Errol Chester-Perry is probably too busy whooping it up in a nightclub with his latest actress girlfriend

In the good old days the Dinner & Dance took place in a function hall but latterly it has been held in the firm’s canteen. This is either because Peterson of Public Relations was so rude to the management of the local halls that no-one will take a C-P booking or because, thanks to Hickford's incompetence, Gun & Fames have got there first strip 2641. "Why stop there" argues Bristow "Why not hold it in my office. No, why not dance round my desk. ‘Do you come here often?’ ‘No, only 265 days a year’".

A wonderful example of the relationship between staff and bosses comes one year when after the formal toasts the attendees are invited to cross toast. Bristow toasts all those involved with order 4272406 and everyone in the hall rises - except those on the top table " Is there something we don’t know?".

Miss Sunman gets particularly excited about the Dinner & Dance. She always hopes that something romantic will ensue. It never does. In fact it is unclear if anyone ever gets off with anybody at this event. Certainly Bristow fails to. And judging by his treament of the post boy, this fashionable youngster fails to as well

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