| First broadcast
on BBC Radio 4 on July 7, 2000
Sfx Opening music
Announcer Bristow by Frank Dickens.
With Michael Williams as Bristow, Rodney Bewes as Jones, Owen Brenman
as Hewitt and Dora Bryan as Mrs. Purdy and featuring Liz Fraser and
Joan Sims as Gert & Daisy. Of Moles and Men.
Bristow (VO) I am a very private man, and
because of this, respect the privacy of others. In modern times, the
invasion of another’s privacy is accepted as the norm and due to this
those well off take stringent measures to ensure that those in their
domestic employ do not go around spilling the beans or “blowing the
gaff” as it is called in the underworld. I was reminded of this the
other day when I ran into Gert and Daisy, two members of the Chester-Perry
cleaning staff, enjoying a well-earned tea break.
Gert Anyway, so I said to
her, Lady Chester-Perry I said , my mother, God rest her, who worked
for Lady Sparser before the war, always wore gloves for the protection
of her hands. It’s the first thing a gentleman notices about a member
of the opposite sex, her hands…
Daisy Her hands, yes.
Gert I mean, it doesn’t matter
what the rest of her is like, it’s the hands that attract the men
Daisy Hands yes, like a peacock’s
feathers, the hands.
Gert Peacock’s feathers,
what are you talking about?.
Daisy Peacock’s feathers to
attract the female, it was on the telly.
Gert Oh you’re talking body
language, with peacocks. I’m talking texture not body language. The
beauty of the hands, not waving about of them
Daisy The beauty yes… Chester-Perry,
yes
Gert Well she didn’t like
me speaking my mind like that because you see you can’t see the beauty
of her fingers for diamond rings…
Bristow Good morning ladies, I
hope I’m not intruding on your private conversation…
Gert/Daisy acknowledging noises
Bristow …but I heard mention of
Lady Chester-Perry. Do you know her?
Gert Course we do. We clean
for her.
Bristow You clean Sir Reginald’s
stately home, Dunwell Manor?
Gert Oh it’s not called Dunwell
Manor ‘cept by the people who work here. It’s called The Grange
Daisy The Grange, yes.
Bristow Ya,ha hmm…what’s it like?
Gert We’re not allowed to
discuss it
Daisy Not allowed
Gert We have to sign a paper,
don’t we Daise?
Daisy Yes to keep it secret
Bristow Oh I see , a sort of Official
Secrets Act
Gert Our lips are sealed.
Daisy My lips are, yours aren’t.
You’re always talking about it
Gert Oohh!.
Sfx Door opens
Jones Morning Bristow, morning
ladies
Gert/Daisy Morning Mr Jones
Bristow Ah, morning Jones. Did
you know these two clean for the Chester-Perry’s?
Jones Dunwell Manor?
Gert Oh it’s not called that
really, it’s called The Grange
Jones No I didn’t. So you see
our beloved firm’s founder in the privacy of his own home.
Gert That’s right.
Jones Do you speak to him?
Gert Course we do
Daisy Every day
Jones Do you talk to him about
what goes on here?
Gert Cause we do. But our
lips are sealed, aren’t they Daise
Bristow They have to sign an official
secrets thing.
Jones Well you should have
refused. They’re public figures, therefore public domain. At my, er,
further education class last night we were discussing the royal family
and their rights to privacy. That’s the nice thing about going to further
education classes, discussing items of general interest.
Bristow Further education? What
are you talking about?
Jones Didn’t I tell you? Well,
I’m attending further education classes every evening.
Bristow That’s the first I’ve
heard of it.
Jones I didn’t mention it because
I know you take no interest in the future. Like most of Sir Reginald’s
employees. And I didn’t think you were interested in bettering yourself.
Bristow Thank you Jones for those
incisive comments on the lack of enthusiasm on the part of your fellow
workers to better themselves, but the subject I was discussing with
these ladies was the intrusion into the private lives by the modern
generation…
Jones As I was saying, if you
were paying attention, and this is another failing of thos who have
no desire to better themselves…
Bristow For Pete’s sake
Jones …that people in the public
eye, and I include Sir Reginald and Lady Chester-Perry in that class,
are public property and like the royals we have a right to know what
they do in private.
Bristow With the greatest respect,
might I say that you are talking through your further development hat
when you say that our beloved firm’s founder and his even more beloved
wife are public property.
Gert They are famous Mr.
Bristow. That’s the price of fame. That’s why we had to sign that paper,
isn’t it Daise?
Daisy What piece of paper is
that Gert?
Gert Well you know, the piece
of paper that said we wouldn’t go around talking about things. That
piece of paper we signed!
Daisy I signed it. I don’t
know whether you signed it, you were talking non-stop. You get carried
away at times, proper motormouth you, some days.
Bristow I say steady ladies.
Hewitt Morning ladies
General
chorus of Morning Hewitt
Bristow Hewitt, you represent
the younger generation. So your teeny teeny tiny views must be worth
something. Do you think Sir Reginald and Lady Chester-Perry are public
figures, and if so, are in the public domain?
Hewitt You mean like Beckham
and Posh Spice [note 1]
Bristow Cheeee..I knew it was
silly of us to ask
Jones Bristow, don’t dismiss
him like that, he’s making a valid point. Whoever it was he’s talking
about are obviously in the public eye and that is what we are discussing
at the moment. Hewitt, I was at my further education classes last night
discussing well known people, and whether they are in public domain.
Hewitt Well I should think Beckham
and Posh Spice are. They’re in everything going. Now personally I think
they are wrong for each other, Dave should have stuck to the ball
Bristow I told you it was silly
to get him involved
Jones Just a minute, Bristow,
just a minute. Hewitt is answering the question. He has an opinion.
And this is because Beckham and er, erm Hewitt speaks the name with
him Posh Spice, are high profile figures and naturally of public
interest…
Sfx Door opens
Fudge WHAT IS GOING ON? HAVENT
YOU PEOPLE GOT ANYTHING TO DO.
Jones Yes, yes of course we
have…
Fudge YOU CLEANERS, KINDLY GET
ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS AND STOP DISTRACTING MY STAFF.
Sfx Door slams
Gert Oogh. Oogh What
a misery. He’s not allowed to talk to us like that.
Bristow Oh ho, we don’t mind.
He like’s to let off some steam every now and then. Puts him a good
mood – for about five seconds
Gert Well I don’t like it.
Daisy I don’t like it either
Gert. I’m going to tell Sir Reginald.
Gert You better let me talk
to him. I’m better at it than you. Goodbye Gentlemen
Goodbyes
from Bristow, Jones and Hewitt.
Bristow (VO) Little did I realise, as the
door closed behind them, that a door had opened to the unmentionable
and unspeakable Jones who had, without anyone suspecting, already begun
to make use of those two hard working cleaning ladies and was already
infiltrating Dunwell Manor though the tradesmen’s entrance. It was not
until the next day that I realised that Gert and Daisy were to be taken
seriously. They were enjoying another well-earned tea break when Fudge
entered.
Sfx Cleaning ladies enjoying
tea break. Door opens
Fudge amazingly muted by
his standards Hm, er Bristow ..hmm er Good Morning ladies.
Gert/Daisy Oh, morning Mr Fudge
Sfx Much humming and hawing
from Fudge as he retreats and gently shuts his door
Bristow Congratulations ladies.
That’s the first time I’ve ever heard him deliver a grovelling apology.
Gert laughing Time
he was taught some manners. Now, where was I Daise?
Daise You was putting Sir Reginald
in his place
Gert Oh that’s right. So
I said to him, I said, “Sir Reginald”, I said “with respect you are
wrong. Your staff are not mindless worker bees toiling to acquire the
remuneration that is their honey they are hard working and thinking
people, eager to develop their minds, like Mr. Jones of the Buying Department
who attends Further Education classes for that purpose”
Daisy What purpose is that,
Gert?
Gert To develop his mind,
that’s why he goes to classes. Oh I wish you’d pay attention. “Jones
of Buying” he said in that la-di-dah voice of his “I must make a note
of that name. People with hambition are few and far between and worth
keeping an eye on”
Bristow (VO) I suddenly realised the evil
that was Jones. He had cottoned on, during yesterday’s conversation
with Gert and Daisy that they were of use, and his mention of attending
Further Education classes had been deliberately planted to ensure that
Sir Reginald Chester-Perry, our beloved firm’s founder, would get to
hear about him. A vacancy had occurred for an assistant head of Production
Control and, like mine, his hat was in the ring. I decided to tackle
him at the very earliest opportunity. It came during an enforced rest
in tbe gruelling Chester-Perry work schedule
Sfx background typing and
other working noises
Bristow Hmm…Jones? Mmm – would
you mind if I asked you a personal question?
Jones That depends on how personal
it is. Is it normal personal, medium personal or smack-in-the-mouth
personal?
Bristow Normal
Jones Fire away.
Bristow What would you say if
I told you, with all respect, you are the slimiest double-crossingest,
double dealingist, sycophanticist, evillist, schemingist unsavouryist,
back-stabbing blackguard I have met!!!
Jones Dear oh dear oh dear.
I know what you’re trying to say, Bristow but you don’t have the vocabulary
to put it across.
Bristow Cho!
Jones I suggest evening classes
on basic English will help, if you really want to express your feeling
properly.
Bristow Don’t give me that nonsense
you were trying on the cleaning ladies earlier.
Jones Me?
Bristow The mention of further
education classes was expressly aimed at planting the image of yourself
as an ambitious would-be executive, knowing that they would mention
it to Sir Reginald. You’ve never been to a further education class
in your life, you charlatan!
Jones You’re only annoyed because
you didn’t think of it first.
Bristow expostulates
Jones fading out Na-na
na na-na, as they probably say at further education classes
Sfx Door shuts
Bristow (VO) Smothering a curse, I took
some extra work into the typing pool. I hate suffering alone.
Sfx Link music
Sfx Much typing in the background
Bristow Good afternoon Miss Suman.
An angel dressed in homespun she giggles Are you putting on a
little weight? Or is it a trick of the light?
Sunman It might be weight, but
it doesn’t matter. I started aerobic classes last week. The weight will
soon come off
Bristow Aerobic classes eh? Very
trendy.
Sunman I’ll say. Sir Reginald
Chester-Perry’s daughter Fiona [note 2] is in my class.
Bristow disbelieving intake
of breath Do you speak to her?
Sunman Of course. She’s easy to
talk to.
Bristow Do you mention work?
Sunman If it crops up, yes
Bristow I thought it would. I
was talking to someone in my advanced further education classes about
that sort of thing last night.
Sunman You go to advanced further
education classes. I had no idea. You never mentioned that before.
Bristow I…er it’s not the kind
of thing you talk about. You just do it if you’re ambitious. You have
to these days to keep up with the pace of modern business. Specially
if you want to – get on.
Sunman That’s what Mr. Hewitt
says. He was in here just now. Bristow makes noises Apparently
he attends junior further education classes for the very same reason.
Bristow Ho ho, he’s a funny lad.
He calls them junior further education classes but they’re just a bunch
of teenage tearaways that meet on street corners and whistle at girls.
Both laugh It’s funny the amount of time one wastes when one
is young. And how one only realises it as one grows up. I used to laugh
at further education but now I cant get enough of the stuff. Lets get
up that ladder.
Sunman Oh Mr. Bristow, although
you act as an easy-going, easy to please kind of guy, I think underneath
you are as hard as nails.
Bristow You are right Miss
Sunman, they don’t come any harder than me.
Sunman And ruthless too
Bristow Right on Miss Sunman.
They don’t come any more ruthless than me. Hard as nails and
ruthless too!
Sunman So how come, if you are
hard as nails, and ruthless too, you’re only eighteenth in line for
Chief Buyer?
Bristow Er Wuff…underneath the
hard as nails and ruthless façade, I’m an easy-going, easy-to-please
kind of guy.
Glockling Miss Sunman, there’s a
Fiona Chester-Perry on the telephone in my office asking for you. Would
that be Sir Reginald’s daughter?
Sunman Yes. I’m so sorry Miss
Glockling. She doesn’t know we are not allowed personal phone calls.
Could you tell her to call back?
Glockling No, that’ll be all right.
Take it in my office.
Sunman Oh thank you Miss Glockling.
Excuse me Mr. Bristow.
Glockling These modern youngsters.
Time was when top management and employees never made eye contact never
mind rang each other up. I don’t really approve, I’m afraid. I’m one
of the old school
Bristow agreeing Ye-ahh
Glockling I don’t go for these classes
where staff and management meet socially and I don’t think attending
them is a good career move. Judging by what is front of me, you wouldn’t
know anything about good career moves.
Bristow splutters
Sunman Miss Glockling? Would it
be possible for me to leave at four thirty this afternoon? Fiona wants
me to go shopping with her.
Glockling simpering Of course
you may go at four thirty. Be sure and tell her you have my permission.
Sunman Thank you Miss Glockling
Sfx Door shuts
Bristow Yes, hmm..I’m not so sure
I agree with your decision Miss Glockling. Just because Fiona is the
only daughter of our beloved firm’s founder, she carries no weight here.
But even as I speak I realise I’m being stupid because being the only
daughter of the firm’s founder gives her quite a lot of weight here,
and I think you have made a good career move. Bye.
Sfx Link music
Bristow (VO) I decided to enrol in further
education classes without further ado.Miss Glockling had been wrong
to dismiss them so quickly. To my mind they were an essential career
move.Had not Sir Reginald, in his conversation with Gert and Daisy,
noted Jones as a person to keep an eye on? And had not Miss Sunman,
purely though a connection at classes succeeded in leaving work early?.And
it seems to me that if you can get time off by mentioning someone you
met at evening classes then I’m all for evening classes. For
getting time off is the best career move of them all.
Sfx Tea trolley clanks in
Purdy Tea up!
Bristow Ah Good morning Mrs Purdy.
Cup of your wet and warm please. Strong enough so that when I drink
it, I stagger round the office like a drunkard on uneven paving stones.
Purdy Oh you like it that strong
do you. Well stand well back
Sfx Tea urn gushes. Bristow
expostulates
Purdy That’s the way they like
it at evening classes.
Bristow Don’t tell me you attend
evening classes?
Purdy I don’t attend them –
well I do but only to do the refreshments.
Bristow Yuh – where – uh where
do they hold these classes?
Purdy All over the place. The
majority of the people here go to St. Mary’s Mixed Infants school. Why
are you asking, are you thinking of going?
Bristow As a matter of fact I
am.
Purdy Oh you should. Best thing
to do these days.You can never get enough education. I say that to my
husband but you can’t tell him anything. “I got my education in the
university of life” he says. Pig ignorant he is, and proud of it. And
our eldest son Elvis takes after him. All he thinks about is football.
Football mad he is. Where’s that going to get him? He works at a warehouse.
“if it was good enough for Dad, it’s good enough for me” he says. Oh
I married badly Mr. Bristow. I should have married Roger Gatsby the
jeweller. He promised to smother my hands and wrists in diamonds, he
did. Have you finished with your cup?
Bristow gulps last of tea Yes,
thank you. That was nice and strong. I can feel my desk swaying about
like a boat on water.
Purdy fading Bon Voyage.
That’s French
Sfx Door shuts
Bristow I think it’s all systems
go. I have the desire to acquire further education and I know where
it can be obtained. There is nothing to stop me.
Sfx Door opens
Hewitt Morning Mr Bristow
Bristow Ah Hewitt. I’ve decided
to enrol for evening classes. Why don’t you join me. Or perhaps you’d
rather stick to your make-believe junior education lessons.
Hewitt Oh, you’ve been talking
to Miss Sunman. I, I only told her that because she goes to aerobic
classes with Chester-Perry’s daughter Fiona and I though Fiona might
be interested in a young swinger who wants to further his career.
Bristow Patently absurd. But carry
on.
Hewitt Well I’m interested yes,
but I don’t know I’d like to attend the same classes as you. I’m a much
younger man and naturally prefer the company of people my own age. I
feel that by going to classes where there are loads of geriatrics Bristow
splutters no offence meant, I’d be missing out on the dolly birds.
Sfx Door opens
Jones Na-na na na-na, Bristow!.
Morning Hewitt
Bristow Well well Mr. Further
Education himself. Come to impart more words of wisdom have we?. More
stuff from the non-existent night classes.
Jones You don’t have to actually
attend evening classes to land the job of Assistant Head of Production
Control, you have to let people believe you attend them. Get the word
to the people who decide these things. It’s common sense. What they
call using the old grey matter.
Hewitt You’re saying you don’t
go to evening classes.
Jones Na-na na na-na
Hewitt But you said you did.
In front of the cleaning ladies and I believed you. Oh you were telling
lies.
Jones Na-na na na-nah
Hewitt Very funny. I’m disappointed
in you Mr. Jones
Jones You modern generation.
Sfx Door slams
Jones We were like that once
Bristow Jones you may have been.
I was never like that.
Sx link music
Bristow (VO) I spent the first part of
the afternoon smarting. And the rest polishing my halo. For was I not
going off to try and better myself. After we finished work for the day
I hastened down to the front desk to ask the whereabouts of the school
[note 3] Mrs. Purdy had mentioned earlier.
Eddy St Mary’s Mixed Infants?
Bristow That’s right Eddy
Eddy Well well well. I never
thought the day would come when Mr. Bristow of the buying department
would show an interest in further education. You’d do well at evening
classes. I’ve heard you sleep all day. So you should be nice and fresh
for the evening.
Bristow Where will I find it?
Eddy Down the road, past the
Bull and Bucket, left at the Crown into Jermyn Street, left at the Anchor
…oh wait a minute wait a minute wrong image,you’re going to evening
classes…so down to Dillons the bookshop, left at the library, straight
on when you get to the university…
Bristow interrupts I’ll
find it. Thank you.
Eddy OK Mr. Bristow. Yes,
madam
Sfx Link music
Bristow (VO) Funny how a sudden spring
comes into my step when the Chester-Perry building is behind me. Ah
here we are. St. Mary’s Mixed Infant school. If you can read this you
are too old. Please ring for attention.
Sfx Doorbell plays Ding Dong
bell pussys in the well
Girl Hello?
Bristow startled Holy Mackeral.
Are you still in school?
Girl No I live here with
my mummy. You pressed the wrong bell
Bristow I, Oh, sorry.
Sfx Doorbell plays same tune
but at a lower pitch
Stokes Yes?
Bristow Is this the place for
evening classes?
Stokes Yes
Bristow I know that face. Arent
you Mr Stokes, the concierge at Chester-Perry’s?
Stokes I’m the caretaker, if
that’s what you mean. I know your face too, you’re Mr. Jones’ friend.
You’re the chap that’s always treading on my cat. Her pitiful cries
are with me still. A word of warning, they got a cat here too.
Sfx cat gives a pitiful cry
Stokes I don’t believe it. Whats
the matter with you?
Bristow I’m sorry, I’m terribly
sorry I didn’t see it.
Stokes Hope nobody finds out,
You ought to get your eyes tested,
Bristow Never mind about my eyes.
I said sorry. I’m trying to find out about evening classes
Stokes Oh you come to the wrong
person to find out about that. If it was to do with classrooms or the
toilets you’d be talking to the right man. If it was about cloakrooms
or toy cupboards you’d find none more helpful. If it was about playgrounds
and swings and roundabouts go no further. But evening classes – that’s
my Achilles heel
Teacher What’s going on out here?
Stokes This chap’s trod on on
the cat. Does it all the time
Bristow I didn’t see it
Stokes He’s got bad blood, that’s
what he’s got bad blood
Teacher David, I’ll take over.
Your face is going bright red. You go and lie down. Stokes huffs
away You work at Chester-Perry’s don’t you?
Bristow Yes
Teacher I’ve see you gazing out
of the window on the second floor of the Chester-Perry building. You’ve
been doing it for the years, no matter what time of the day it is. You’re
a landmark. What can we do for you?
Bristow I’m interested in further
education classes.
Teacher Are you? I mean,
are you?
Bristow Yes I am. And I’d like
to enrol. I’d like to start tonight.
Teacher I’m afraid that’s not
possible
Bristow Not possible. Why’s that?
Teacher We are nearing the end
of the term
Bristow Oh that’s all right I
can catch up. I learn quickly. I have a retentive memory. Like a sponge.
Dates, times places no problem. Try me.
Teacher Try and remember. The
new term starts on the third of September at seven thirty.
Bristow Hang on I’d better write
that down.
Teacher Let me explain. You have
to register at the beginning of term. You cannot join a class as and
when you feel like it. There are rules. We cannot break them. I’m sorry.
Perhaps next time.
Bristow I’m sorry but that isn’t
good enough.
Teacher How can I put it in a
way you’ll understand? Last year Sir Reginald and Lady Chester-Perry
applied for advanced bridge tuition and we were unable to accommodate
them because the term had started. Like you they were not pleased and
we even received a letter from their legal department querying our decision.
Fortunately we were able to produce the rules. If Sir Reginald
and Lady Chester-Perry were refused, what chance…
Bristow I understand. Thank you
and goodnight!
Sfx Link music
Bristow (VO) The next day was bright sunny
and warm. Imagine my surprise, when hovering around the cleaning ladies,
who were enjoying a well earned tea break, I was surprised to hear the
following.
Gert So I said to him I says,
Sir Reginald what are you trying to say. Your staff can’t spend too
much time at night classes, you can’t have too much study.
Daisy You shouldn’t have spoke
like that Gert. He that pays the piper calls the tune remember My father
told me that. He that pays….
Gert I know about he that
pays the piper, I wasn’t born yesterday but I was only speaking my mind
Daise, you can’t be hung for speaking your mind.
Daisy You can these days but
go on tell me what happened
Gert “I quite hagree with
you” he says in that posh voice of his “but I will not have people who
work for me attending night school to the detriment of their work”
Daisy He’s right. He’s paying
the piper.
Gert Course he’s right. And
he’s entitled to call the tune. He’s had Mr. Jones checked out, Oh he
has, he told me “Hafter our conversation the day before yesterday” he
said “I asked for a report on Mr. Jones and was surprised to find both
it and him curiously negative on all counts”
Daisy Negative? That means
he’s no good
Gert Right on. He said “If
he claims to attend evening classes, and I have my doubts about that,
I can only assume he realises he has no future with us and his studies
are before applying for a position elsewhere” he said.
Daisy Fancy
Bristow Good Morning ladies
Gert Oh he looks smart this
morning
Daisy Very smart. A credit
to his mother and family
Bristow Oh, thank you. I like
to dress up sometimes. Tonight is my bridge night.
Gert You play bridge? Oh
isn’t that funny, tell him Daisy
Daisy Sir Reginald likes bridge,
he plays a lot of bridge.
Bristow Is that so. Ha ha. Well
I never. Chuckles That is a surprise.
Sfx Link music
Bristow Morning Jones, morning
Hewitt. They reply cheer up the pair of you its not the end of
the world
Jones It might just as well
be
Bristow Why? What’s wrong?
Jones What’s wrong? I’ll tell
you what’s wrong. They’ve brought in someone from outside – as assistant
head of Production Control, over our heads that’s what’s wrong.
Bristow Don’t be ridiculous
Hewitt He’s not being ridiculous
Mr Bristow it’s true. The tea lady’s son, Elvis Purdy, got the job.
Bristow splutters Its impossible.
He lives for football. How can a chap who knows nothing except kicking
a football around be promoted to assistant head of Production Control,
a position above you, Mr Jones and myself who’ve been here all these
years. How is it possible?
Hewitt He plays football
Bristow So he plays football.
Jones He plays football in
the same team as Robin Chester-Perry, son of the firm’s founder.
Bristow Cor, shee,doh
Sfx
Closing music
Announcer Bristow
was written by Frank Dickens and featured Michael Williams as Bristow,
Rodney Bewes as Jones, Owen Brenman as Hewitt, Dora Bryan as Mrs. Purdy,
Liz Fraser as Gert, Joan Sims as Daisy, Kate Odey as Miss Sunman, Jon
Glover as Fudge and Eddy, David Batley as Stokes, Carol Starks as Miss
Glockling, and Jane Booker as the Teacher. The music was composed and
performed by John Whitehall. The sound recording was by Graham Harper,
the director Neil Cargill.
Notes:
1.
Real life characters do not, and probably should not feature
in a time-independent work like Bristow but for benefit of those
who do not know, Beckham refers to the Manchester United and England
football captain, and Posh Spice (Victoria Adams) an ex-pop star of
indefinable and probably vanishingly little talent whom he married in
July 1999
2.
Actually Fiona is Sir Reginalds daughter-in-law. She married
son and heir Robin in 1970.
3.
Absolutely baffling. Bristow was educated at St. Marys Mixed
Infants. How can he not know where it is? |
