Bristow: Hobbies

Bristow is the firm’s master of desk top football; he is unsurpassed in construction of paper aeroplanes (and noted for it in the Chester-Perry Who’s Who) and he can sing Don’t Cry for Me Argentina to the tune of They’re changing guard at Buckingham Palace, a feat for which he is rightly held in awe by the otherwise cynical postboy.

Bristow would much rather be known for his writings but with the exception of Toady Thompson everyone regards them as utter rubbish. His ultimate hobby is the study of the well-known book "Brain surgery for beginners" but his study has brought him not one jot nearer achieving his ambition of becoming a brain surgeon.

Desktop football is played with coins and a ruler (on those days when anyone actually has spare coins) (This game has been played by the author of this website, many years ago, when he too was in an office with time to spare). In the days before decimalization the normal kit was a sixpence for the ball and two pennies a side for the men. The players face each other across the length of a desk. Two-inch strips in pencil at each end mark goals. Players take it in turns to use the ruler to flick one of their men either at the ball or anywhere they choose on the desktop. If the ball goes over the goal line, it’s a goal.

The game is deceptively difficult. The harder the man is struck, the more likely that the ball will fire off the desk, giving the other player a "throw-in". If the other player is in a good position to score, merely moving a man in front of the ball can make it impossible for him to get through to the goal. Skilful players take as much time moving their men into useful positions as they do in hitting the ball. One man may be left permanently as a goalkeeper, but of course as soon as he is used to flick the ball away, he will be out of position and a turn must be expended in moving him back.

Bristow’s book writes the definitive guide to the game. He takes a conservative position to the rules "Dress: the referee shall wear a black jacket and pinstriped trousers".

The normal pitch is Bristow's own desk. Sometimes during tournaments he finds other clerks urging him to finish his work so that they can start the next game. However when Fudge is on holiday then matches take place on his gleaming, huge, desktop - "The sacred turf".

If a manager looks in while a game is in progress then the coins are hastily cleared away but otherwise the game is played quite blatently strip 4645

Desk top football is taken seriously in Chester-Perry's. Bristow is clearly one of the best players (not surprising given the amount of time he is prepared to devote to practice if it means not doing any work). There is even a handicapping committee who have almost forced Bristow out of the game with their ruling that he wear a waste-paper basket over his head when playing - strip 4378a

Strip 4378a was published in Bristow Latest. It was not published in the Evening Standard - the "a" suffix indicates that it was held over from the loss of the Saturday edition. These ceased in November 1974

strip 3569

Strip 3569 was published in the Evening Standard in August 1972

Bristow demonstrates his mastery of this ancient art on the day he creates the Briscorde, a droop-nose sleekly dynamic arrow of a craft, built from specially selected materials (a page from the House Journal). Unfortunately on the test flight, on the roof of the C-P building, it falls like a stone. Bristow is undaunted. To Jones' admiration he sets out at once to create the Briscorde Mk II.

In the early strips it appears that Hewitt was the chief instigator of airborne stationery, with Bristow somewhat disapproving. Here, in strip 177

Strip 177 was published in the Evening Standard in September 1962

we can see the start of Bristow's fascination with the world of miniature gliders

As a further example of using the right materials, strip 4883

Strip 4883 was published in the Evening Standard in May 1977 and in Bristow vs. Chester-Perry/.

shows what can be done with a new copy of Who's Who at Chester-Perry

Bristow's desire to be a brain surgeon is covered under ambitions. His chosen route to this desirable qualification is the study of that well known primer Brain surgery for beginners. He does not appear to have advanced as far as Brain surgery for experts but at least he is not stuck on Brain surgery for dummies. The book is a like a child's comfort blanket - he retreats to it when times are hard, say when another literary masterpiece is rejected strip 4199

Strip 4199 was published in the Evening Standard in September 1974

. Like a religious work promising salvation to the faithful, he can convince himself that one day, if he keeps on studying, then somehow ...well, probably not. But he is not the only one in C-Ps who thinks that medicine is the way to a better life - strip 5774

Strip 5774z (estimated number) was published in the Evening Standard in November 1980 and in The Penguin Bristow.