British Hi-Speed Rail
Like thousands of his fellow workers, Bristow relies on British Hi-Speed Rail to get to work. He commutes from East Winchley, a charming old fashioned station, staffed by a Station Master (with formal peaked hat), Assistant Stationmaster Perkins and a variety of bit part characters. There is so much lost property that a man is retained just to staff the lost property office (needless to say it is Bristow who loses the exotic objects that boggle the minds of the staff, including a centurion’s helmet and leopardskin swimming trunks).
One of the longest-running themes is the unreliability of British Hi-Speed Rail. Here is an early strip
Bristow is at his desk
I've been late every day this week
Thanks to the 8.15 commuter special
Monday five minutes delay..stopped in tunnel
Tuesday ten minutes delay...electrical failure
Today twenty two minutes thirteen seconds
Cows on the line
Strip
130 July 1963
The trains are always running late. There is a blackboard permanently labelled "British Hi Speed Rail regret extensive delays due to.. " and then the excuse of the day is chalked up below. These vary from the prosaic to the downright strange
Bristow is on his way to the station. He seems cheerful
Autumn, season of mists and mellow fruitfulness
A brisk walk to the station 'neath the trees dressed in their russet and gold
He reaches the platform and stands expectantly for the 8:15 commuter special
Here, to await the winged chariot
We see a blackboard just around the corner
Blackboard: "British Hi-Speed Rail regrets extensive delays due to the lynching of driver S09"
strip 5756, October 1980
On the rare day that the services run on time, the announcer will be dumbstruck whilst the commuters strike up Land of Hope and Glory
A truthful notice board (not
normally seen at East Winchley or any other station)
Every year the fares go up and hard-hearted station staff snigger openly as the hapless commuters line up to buy their tickets strip 5387. Then they share out the money and go into tax exile, thus explaining why the waiting rooms and enquiry booths are never manned.
Bristow is lucky - his station boasts a buffet from which rock hard cakes and curly sandwiches may be obtained to lighten his journey. Quite how a suburban station can justify a buffet is not clear, especially as the manageress was recruited by a British Hi-Speed Rail talent scout that overheard her husband complaining about the packaged lunches she prepared for him. She soon imposes her mark by substantially increasing the prices. "Bravo my dear like your style" says the Station Master "This calls for a celebration. Perkins, send out for tea and cakes".
Even the ultra-critical Peterson of Public Relations seems to like the buffet. He enjoys a soothing coffee whilst complaining loudly about his rat's nest of an office and cretinous colleagues with whom he is forced to work.
The Station Master at East Winchley faces a tough job. He must manage his unruly staff and keep the public informed about the various and extensive delays that plague the system. Strip 3627 was probably meant as a joke but in recent years this very excuse has been solemnly offered by the railway operating companies. The Station Master is quick to reach for his ceremonial top hat when hears that Sir Reginald is travelling north from his station (why on earth they would depart from a suburban / commuter dump like East Winchley is unclear).He is a hard man (see the Sharkey Bros below) when he has to be but perhaps the pressures of the job are getting to him strip 5056.
Assistant Stationmaster Perkins
Orders for Assistant Stationmaster Perkins
Like Bristow, Perkins is obsessed with promotion. If the Station Master’s ceremonial top hat is missing it is because Perkins has it on his head and is taking his picture in the Photo-Me booth. Ditto the Station Master’s Winter Greatcoat. But wearing the gear doesn't get him the job. He seems destined to fail his exams and remain an Assistant (much to the relief of his boss). This may be due to his strange attitude to his work strip 3760
Unfortunately for Perkins the Station Master sees him as expendible. When the commuters riot over yet another late departure it is Perkins who is sent out to pacify them and a nasty incident is averted only by the arrival of the train.
Perkins strikes up an unlikely romance with the station announcer, leading to much giggles and heavy breathing over the loudspeaker system. And, of course, to extensive delays caused by love at first sight. Bristow is quick to see the possibilities of their engagement - reception in the buffet, wedding photos in the photo-me booth and extensive delays caused by confetti on the line.
Love on the platform.
The Sharkey Brothers, scourge of the Southern Region
The Sharkeys at the cab of their engine - note the out-of-place London Underground logo.
The most dreaded drivers on the network, the Sharkeys drive the 8:15 Commuter Special engaging in their own brand of humour and terrorising the passengers. To wait until a late commuter is just about to open the carriage door before hurtling away is the work of a moment for Gervaise and Jonathan. They have no fear of retribution - the luckless commuter who tries to break into their compartment is hauled up before the Station Master and has his season ticket endorsed. Meanwhile the Sharkeys, convulsing themselves imagining the wheels of their train crushing the bowler hats of their passengers, cause still more delays.
Sad historical update note
The Southern Region no longer exists. Nor does British Rail. Bristow should really be directing his jibes and contumely at companies like Connex South Central, Silverlink or Great Eastern. For the benefit of non-British readers, dear old British Rail was sold off in the early 1990s. One company, Railtrack, owns and maintains the railways. Or at least it did until forced into liquidation by the Government in October 2001. Many others operate trains, competing against each other and driven by the need to make short-term profits. Services into London are overcrowded and unpunctual. Four serious accidents in recent years, at Paddington, Hatfield, Potters Bar and Selby have shaken public confidence in rail travel.
We say
Bring Back British Hi-Speed Rail !
Promote Perkins !!
Invest in more and bigger buffets !!! (oops, got carried away there).