Fair shares was first broadcast on BBC radio 4 on 21 April 1999

sfx:                                Opening music

Announcer:                     Bristow by Frank Dickens. With Michael Williams as Bristow, Rodney Bewes as Jones, Owen Brenman as Hewitt and Dora Bryan as Mrs Purdy. Fair Shares

sfx:                                Music fades out

Bristow (VO)                 You know my trouble? I’m unlucky. I was born with rubbish genes – not exactly rubbish genes but the wrong genes. I inherited the genes on my father’s side. Genes not of this century. I would probably have made a name for myself if they were still laying siege to castles because my great great great grandfather was one of those soldiers who attached stones or giant cauldrons to catapults. He was eventually, according to family records, hoist by his own petard. But that’s another story.

                                      Since I work as a buying clerk in a big organisation it would have helped me more had I been born with my mother’s genes, because her side of the family were in business – merchants handling spices perfumes and silks from far away places with strange sounding names. Not that my mother’s ancestors would have traded themselves. According to the family records they were domestics in the Marco Polo family but there is no doubt they would have been familiar with stocks and shares – knowledge picked up in the conversation over dinner as they were serving the guests their exotic meals. And it is this knowledge that would have been handed down to me in her genes.

                                      I could done with some of  them and that knowhow about a fortnight ago on what started out as a typical day…

Bristow                          Morning Mr Station Master

Stationmaster                 Ymmm

sfx                                 paper rustles

Bristow                          No sign of the eight fifteen commuter special although it clearly says eight fifteen on your timetable. Is there a reason for this? Or is it some game where the train that gets closest to this time gets a prize?

Stationmaster                 laughs Sir you are a wag. But if you see anything even resembling a train please give me a nod. It’s so long since I’ve seen one I’ve forgotten what they look like. Now if you’ll excuse me…

Bristow (VO)                 I got in early. I could tell the cleaning ladies had been hard at work.. My seat was still warm and a lot of my paperwork had been corrected.

Bristow                          (muffled) Erm huff huff

Postboy                         What on earth is Mr Bristow flailing his arms about for? Desk Rage?

Jones                             In a way – he’s going through his drowning man routine. He claims, every time he sits down at his desk, his whole past life flashes before him.

Postboy                         Mr Bristow!

Bristow                          Erm whuff heavens alive boy you startled me

Postboy                         Postcard from the cleaning lady. Shall I read it out?

Bristow                          Why not?

Postboy                         Lovely weather. Beautiful sunny morning. Stayed in, dusted the room, swept the floor, washed the linoleum, scrubbed the bath, disinfected the toilet. Having a lovely time.

Bristow                          Bears out what I’ve always said. A change is as good as a rest.

Bristow (VO)                 What a life! as we left the office on Friday it started to rain and it rained right through the weekend and all the way here this morning. Then as we came into the building the rain stopped.  And look at it out there now – nine to five sunshine.

Bristow                          Jones – how do you stick at this job?

Jones                             Oh wages. That’s why we stick at this job. Because they pay us wages

Bristow                          But there’s more to life than this – there’s a world out there waiting to be conquered.

Jones                             It don’t beat wages. You can’t beat wages

Bristow                          And what about excitement ambition and adventure? 

Jones                             Oh wages is all them things and much much much more

sfx                                 Door opens

Fudge                            (Grunts something incomprehensible)

omnes                            Morning Mr Fudge, Morning sir

sfx                                 Door slams

Jones                             Ignorant pig! Friday lunchtime he passed me in the street, didn’t say a word. I said “Good afternoon” he ignored me completely. I’d have run after him and given him a piece of my mind if I hadn’t been foraging through a dustbin at the time

sfx                                 Door opens

Sunman                          Good morning all. Isn’t it exciting?

Bristow                          Good morning Miss Sunman.  I know something is exciting because the girls in the typing pool have all polished the rings on the ends of their noses

Sunman                          (embarrassed chuckle)

Bristow                          but I’m not acquainted with the reason

Sunman                          Sir Reginald Chester-Perry, the firm’s founder is in the building.

Bristow                          Exciting Miss Sunman? Why should it be exciting because our beloved firm’s founder is coming to play with his toys?

Sunman                          It may not be exciting to you but the girls in the typing pool have never seen him in the flesh. Have you?

Bristow                          No – Jones has, haven’t you Jones?

Jones                             Haven’t I what?

Bristow                          Seen Sir Reginald Chester-Perry

Jones                             Yes bumped into him in the corridor – sent him flying

Sunman                          How did he take it?

Jones                             Picture, if you can, two clear blue eyes filled with compassion and understanding…

Bristow                          Hold on Jones. Do you consider yourself some sort of authority on people’s expressions?

Jones                             As a  matter of fact I do

Bristow                          How would you describe this expression?

Jones                             That is a mixture of loathing and contempt

Bristow                          Sheee – he’s very good. But enough of this. The question we must ask ourselves is this. Why has Sir Reginald Chester-Perry, our  beloved firm’s founder, chosen this particular day to grace us with his prescence? 

Sunman                          Ooogh look at his car out there. That beautiful white Rolls-Royce with the black leather upholstery. When are you going to get one of those?

Bristow                          Payday. But its silly to come into town with traffic warden 262 on the rampage. He’s always getting parking tickets – look at the number of tickets she’s handed out this morning – every car in the street – practically a rain forest out there.

Sunman                          Surely a ticket is nothing to a multi-millionaire?

Bristow                          And that’s where you’re wrong Miss Sunman. People with money are reputedly mean, and none more so than our beloved firm’s founder who bought his helicopter simply to scour the countryside in the mornings looking for latecomers sharp intake of breath the question we are asking Miss Sunman is why our beloved firm’s founder should suddenly deign to call on us – and we have shall the answer any second – here come the lift boy – I say!

Lift boy                          Hello Mr B what can I do for you?

Bristow                          Why is Sir Reginald Chester-Perry here?

Lift boy                          What’s in it for me?

Bristow                          Don’t waste time boy – Jones give him a quick Chinese burn

Lift boy                          No need for that. The directors are in – I took a crowd up to the boardroom. There’s an emergency meeting. The Chester-Perry Company are making a takeover bid for Myles & Rudge, the firm across the street.

Bristow (VO)                 It was at that moment that a shudder went through me. It might have been that I caught my elbow on the edge of the filing cabinet but I’d rather believe it was one of my mother’s ancestor’s genes pricking its ears up at the mention of the word … takeover. Springing into action like one of my great great great grandfather’s forebears sighting a castle wall I took over the situation

Bristow                          Thank you lad clears throat On your way

Lift boy                          Take it easy will you

sfx                                 a brief struggle and the door slams.

Bristow                          Miss Sunman! The conversation you have just heard is confidential

Sunman                          You mean about the takeover..

Bristow                          Shhss – walls have ears

Jones                             Careless talk costs lives

Bristow                          Jones!

Jones                             Sorry

Sunman                          Why has it got to be kept secret?

Bristow                          If news of this leaked out it would cause a sensation on the stock exchange – stocks and shares etc etc – panic buying – confusion chaos bulls and bears

Jones                             Dow Jones index down. Footsie up. Hang seng something something

Bristow                          Jones I shan’t tell you again. You are now frightening Miss Sunman

Sunman                          er I wouldn’t say frightened – I don’t know what you’re talking about that’s all

Bristow                          And quite so – Men’s talk. You run along m’dear but remember – Mum’s the word.

Sunman                          breathlesslyBye

sfx                                 Door closes

Bristow                          expels a deep breath I’ve been thinking Jones. If we knew anything about the stock market we ought to be able to make some money out of this. I mean, we know that our company are going to try and takeover another company and, well, we know this, and if we bought shares in that company, or this company, we could tell a broker, er this, and he could invest, er, and gain heavily

Jones                             You are talking about, what is it, we have inside information, we ought to invest in the, in the company that is taking over…no the company that is being taken.. or is it,the company, which is us of course..the buyer, the broker buys.. the shares and sells them to us, and we buy them and everyone makes a killing, that’s what we’re talking about, right?

Bristow                          Its brilliant Jones we are sitting on a fortune. But we must keep it to ourselves and not go around telling everyone. I know you and your loose tonge. Now, how do we go about getting some advice

sfx                                 Door opens and a tea trolley clatters in

Bristow                          Ya, ha, of course, the answer to our prayers

Jones                             I’ll say, nothing like a nice cup of tea and a chocolate bun to start the day

Bristow                          Jones I’m not talking about tea and buns. I’m referring to speaks very slowly what we were talking about

Jones                             Stocks and shares things – look at the cream puffs!

Purdy                             Stocks and shares? you want to know about investment? You want to put a folio together? You have a good tip? You want a broker?

Bristow                          Doh!Don’t keep touching them Jones unless you are going to buy. I don’t know where you were brought up but they must have told you about hygiene.

Jones                             I’ll have the éclair, the macaroon  the custard tart and the doughnut

Bristow                          Steady Jones, don’t go spending it before you’ve earned it!

Jones                             angrily Don’t tell me what to do with my money!

Purdy                             Gentlemen please behave yourselves

Jones                             Well

Purdy                             I’m afraid you can’t take all those Mr Jones, otherwise there won’t be any left for anyone else

Jones                             Its not my fault – you should put more cakes on the trolley

Purdy                             There’s no room

Jones                             Nonsense – assuming the surface area of a macaroon is 3 and a quarter centimetres tails off

Purdy                             interupting Hallo, what’s this in your wastepaper basket Mr Bristow? Why, it’s yesterday’s light-as-a-feather fairy cake. It must have fallen off your desk

Bristow                          Fallen off nothing! It was pushed. Jones deeply meaningful we have to talk. Thank you Mrs Purdy – Bye.

sfx                                 A tea trolley and its wielder are pushed unceremoniously ou. The door shuts.

Bristow                          Did you get anything from what she said?

Jones                             mouth full Not really

Bristow                          I didn’t think you did. But I wish you would pay more attention… If we’re going to make a killing out of this we have to listen and absorb everything we are told

Jones                             eating right

Bristow                          Some people have to go to evening classes and all that to learn what we can learn in a few hours. I mean. we are at the centre of the operation. It is all happening around us. It was good in a way that we didn’t show too much interest in what Mrs Purdy was saying…

Jones                             right

Bristow                          …and alert anyone who was listening as to our intentions because it is essential that we keep it to ourselves. We don’t want too many people cashing in. We need someone who knows all and says nowt.

Jones                             Got it. The man we need is Fred Stoats

Bristow                          Fred Stoats the caretaker??

Jones                             He mixes, he listens he gets around. He keeps himself to himself

Bristow                          Do you know where he hangs out?

Jones                             Follow me

sfx                                 musical link

sfx                                 Strange noises of pipes and steam

Bristow                          Currgh – are you sure he lives down here?

Jones                             Yes I’ve been down here loads of times

Bristow                          Reminds me of Phantom of the Opera – bfleughh

Jones                             Or the Third Man

Bristow                          Or Judd – the hired hand in Oklahoma

Both (singing)                Poor Judd is dead – a candle lights his head

Jones                             Here we are – door on the right

sfx                                 knock on door three times

Stoats                            Oo is it?

Jones                             It’s me – Jones. From the Buying Department

sfx                                 Footsteps – door opens

Stoats                            How many of you are there?

Jones                             Just me. And a friend. His name is Bristow

Stoats                            Come in both of you and warm yourselves

Jones                             Thanks Stoatsy makes sound of chilled man warming up

Stoats                            Now what can I do for you? I take it you haven’t come all this way just to look at the scenery

Bristow                          No as a matter of fact…

Stoats                            Mind where you’re putting your feet

Bristow                          Sorry

Stoats                            You’re friend’s a bit clumsy isn’t he?

Jones                             I’m afraid so. I’d better do the talking. We want to know something about stocks and shares

Bristow                          And we want to know quickly and..

sfx                                 a cat is trodden on

Stoats                            What’s the matter with the man? I told you to be careful. Figaro aint used to being trodden on

Bristow                          I’m very sorry

Stoats                            If he’s clumsy like that down here what’s he like up there? Those poor girls in the typing pool must go around in fear of their lives

Jones                             He can’t help it he’s naturally clumsy. For heaven’s sake keep still Bristow. We want to know something about stocks and shares

Stoats                            Stocks and shares, eh?

Jones                             About making money out of a takeover deal

Stoats                            Takeover deal, eh?

sfx                               Pause – machinery hums in the background

Jones                             So?

Stoats                            If you’d asked my advice about rats, mice and associated rodents I could have given you the lot. Door and window frames there’s no-one better. Radiators and general fixings no problem. But stocks and shares and takeovers zilch – stocks and shares is my achilles heel I’m afraid.

Bristow                          You mean we’ve come all this way

sfx                                 a cat squeals

Stoats                            Get him out of here. He’ll kill us all

sfx                                 music link.

Bristow                          Fine waste of time that turned out to be. All that splashing about

Jones                             Well don’t look at me like that. At least I tried. I got wet as well

Sfx                                 phone rings

Jones                             answer that

Bristow                          Bristow of buying, can I help you?  I can’t see how you are affected. What do you mean it looks bad? Just a minute, Jones pull the socks in the people in the office across the road are complaining

Jones                             Oh, right-ho.

Bristow                          Sorry about that but we don’t have the radiators on in the spring.

Sfx                                 phone is replaced

Bristow                          Jones, we must be stupid. We have overlooked the one person capable of putting us wise in this matter.

Jones                             Who’s that?

Sfx                                 phone is picked up

Bristow                          Yehhhh – is the post boy there please? He’s gone to lunch? When he gets back ask him to pop up to the buying department.

Sfx                                 phone is replaced

Bristow                          the answer to all our problems.

Bristow (VO)                 That afternoon Miss Peach put her head round the door. I was delightfully surprised. She looks much better if you can’t see her body.

Peach                             Mr Bristow, what’s the latest on the takeover bid?

Bristow                          Don’t tell me you know about it?

Peach                             It’s all over the typing pool. Everyone knows

Bristow                          Corrhh. Curse that Jones. It’s supposed to be confidential. How are we going to make any money out of it if everyone knows?

Peach                             Making money?

Bristow                          I’m not at liberty to discuss it

Peach                             It’s do to with buying shares isn’t it?

Bristow                          Who told you that?

Peach                             The cleaning lady

Bristow                          Mrs Crisp knows? That means everyone in the firm knows. They’ll be shouting it from the rooftops next.

sfx                                 Picks up phone

Bristow                          Post Room? Is the post boy there? Its Bristow of the buying department – Bristow – B R I S T O W – B for Birmingham, R for Roehampton, I for Inverness – yes that’s right Bristow. I need him up here urgently. Where does he go for lunch – the casa pastrami in the high street. Thank you

sfx                                 phone replaced

Bristow                          Huh these modern kids live the life of old Riley. Thirty minutes for lunch? Disgusting. When I started here the post-boys were quite happy with five minutes and a bowel of gruel.

Peach                             Why do you need him urgently

Bristow                          Because he has the contacts we need. He has contacts in the city – top people, influential people, brokers and so forth.

Peach                             How does the postboy get to know those kind of people?

Bristow                          goes scrumping in the stockbroker belt doesn’t he?

Sfx                                 background noise of café. Door bell tinkles

Bristow                          Speaka da English

Manageress                    Welcome to the casa pastrami

Bristow                          Does the post boy from Chester-Perry’s come here?

Manageress                    Can you describe him?

Bristow                          Certainly. Face like an aubergine, hair like spaghetti and eyes like black olives

Manageress                    Oh he’s been and gone. Are you from Chester-Perry’s?

Bristow                          Doesn’t it show – the hollow cheeks the sunken eyes

Manageress                    My sister is a tea lady there. Mrs Purdy do you know her

Bristow                          indistinctly oh curses. Normally Heart of gold

Manageress                    It was her who presented us with all our crockery

Bristow                          Of course – all marked “CP” – CP – Chester Perry – Casa Pastrami. Clever, very clever. Well I can’t stop. Ciao, Ciao bambini

Sfx                                 doorbell tinkles

Sfx                                 door opens

Bristow                          Ahhh, still here Miss Peach? Any sign of the postboy?

Peach                             He hasn’t been here while I’ve been here

Fudge                            Bristow, this place is like a pigsty. Have it cleaned up at once

Bristow                          Yes Mr Fudge, Certainly Mr Fudge right away Mr Fudge

Sfx                                 door shuts

Peach                             Surely you don’t let him talk to you like that?

Bristow                          He’s always like that under pressure. He’s under pressure whenever Sir Reginald is around. You’ll have to excuse me

Peach                             I’ll let you get on with it. Bye

Sfx                                 Door shuts. Phone is picked up

Bristow                          Postroom? Any news of the lad? Ahumm, don’t forget to tell him

Sfx                                 phone is replaced. Odd noises of papers being moved

Jones                             What on earth are you doing?

Bristow                          This place is like a pigsty. Papers everywhere. We’d better tidy it up

Jones                             Get lost. I’m fed up with being bossed around. I’ve no intention of doing it. Who do you think you are?

Bristow                          I’ll do it. Cleanliness is next to godliness. I’ll move this chair – here

Fudge                            Ah well done Bristow – Jones, give Bristow a hand you lazy good for nothing!

Sfx                                 door shuts

Jones                             Why you rotten..

Bristow                          Move that filing cabinet over here – many hands, etc etc

Jones                             Ooghh!

Sfx                                 music link

Bristow                          Jones although I say it myself this place looks a treat. And that floor. You could eat your breakfast off that floor. And while your down there eating your beans on toast, would you give my shoes a quick buff. Sir Reginald might want to inspect some of the senior staff

Jones                             He won’t come in here. An eighteenth in line for Chief Buyer is hardly senior staff.

Bristow                          Oh you never know. He might come in here to inspect the Myles and Rudge Building. I may be able to give him a few pointers

Jones                             He won’t come in here

Bristow                          You know your trouble Jones you’re full of assumptions. Why do you think I ive ahd the place tidied up. Why do you think I’ve had down on your knees polishing the floor until your shirt is soaked with perspiration and you look as though you’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards – because I want Sir Reginald, our beloved founder…

Jones                             Ugghh

Bristow                          … to like what he sees as he passes through that door. Pass me that copy of the House Journal.

Jones                             I wish you’d stop giving me orders. Anyone would think you run this office. You don’t outrank me you know. You might think you do but you don’t

Bristow                          Don’t bring personality into this. I come before you alphabetically. Now pass me that House Journal

Jones                             vanishing into distance No. Get Lost

Sfx                                 door slams

Bristow                          Jones Wait! Oh what a fool that man is. We’re sitting on the edge of a fortune and he starts throwing tantrums.

Sfx                                 heavy footsteps

Bristow                          Ow  Hewitt stay where you are let me put some paper down, I’ve just cleaned the floor.

Hewitt                            So I see. Fantastic. Is it someone’s birthday?

Bristow                          Sir Reginald Chester-Perry is in the building

Hewitt                            Ah I know, they’re putting down red carpet in the corridor and painting some of the offices. What’s that you’re laying down? The House Journal?

Bristow                          grunts assent

Hewitt                            Well it looks better torn up on the floor, especially that cover picture of Sir Reginald. Who blacked in his teeth?

Bristow                          Ah er Jones – rather good isn’t it?

Hewitt                            He could get into trouble for that. Its worse than defacing a coin of the realm. Have you ever seen him in the flesh

Bristow                          Of course. I bumped into him outside the boardroom once. Knocked him down the stairs.

Hewitt                            How did he take it?

Bristow                          Picture if you can two clear blue eyes filled with compassion and understanding.

Hewitt                            Oh Jones tells it better

Sfx                                 phone rings

Hewitt                            Buying department Hewitt speaking. Is he? Are you sure? Gordon Bennett I’ll tell him.

Sfx                                 phone is replaced

Hewitt                            according to Jones Sir Reginald is coming up here

Bristow                          noises of mild panic

Hewitt                            That’s me off, bye

Bristow                          panicking Holy Mackerel holy mackerel holy mackerel! Good morning your highness, your holy, er your worshipfulness

Sfx                                 door opens

Bristow                          oh its you Miss Peach

Peach                             Oh Mr Bristow what are you doing down there

Bristow                          I’m putting these papers down to keep the floor clean Sir Reginald is paying us a visit

Peach                             Will you be get me his autograph. Ask him to sign “to Prunella”

Bristow                          Of course not! H can I possibly ask for his autograph. He thinks I’m a top man. Top men don’t ask for autographs. Is that your name, Prunella. Prunella Peach.

Sfx                                 a footstep

Bristow                          Good morning your worshipful holiness king majesty Oh its you Jones. Careful don’t step on the floor step on the papers

Jones                             I am not going to step on the papers  because I am not leaving papers all over my nice clean floor. Sir Reginald is on his way

Bristow                          deeper panic What do we do? What do we do?

Jones                             Calm down Bristow we’ve done everything we can

Bristow                          Miss Peach we don’t want him to see you. Hide under the desk. No no no, no no the broom cupboard. Quick!!

Jones                             For heavens sake Bristow take it easy. Sit down. Let’s get organised. Have you spoken to the postboy about You Know What?

Bristow                          You know what? I don’t follow

Jones                             whispers The shares

Bristow                          The chairs. Its all right. She knows. everybody knows. No, he hasn’t been up yet, still at lunch the greedy little pig. You’d think a kid that size would get by on a packet of crisps

Jones                             Bristow will you snap out of it you are waffling. We need that kid otherwise we’re losing a fortune

Sfx                                 phone rings

Bristow                          strange desperate drowing noises

Jones                             Answer it! No get out of the way

Sfx                                 picks up phone

Jones                             What’s that? On his way? Excellent, we’re ready

Sfx                                 phone is replaced

Jones                             He’s on his way

Bristow                          more strange noises

Jones                             Stand by the door Miss Peach

Peach                             All right

Sfx                                 phone rings.

Bristow                          Which one’s on his way?

Jones                             He’s on his way? Thanks

Sfx                                 phone is replaced

Jones                             They’e both on their way.

Bristow                          a yell of despair

Jones                             pull yourself together man. Action stations Miss Peach

Bristow                          Sir Reginald! Sir Reginald is coming! I can hear him.

Jones                             That’s not Sir Reginald

Bristow                          It is I know his footsteps

Peach                             It’s the postboy. Careful postboy the floors are slippery

Sfx                                 Running steps. A body slips and falls heavily

Postboy                         Waagh – my leg my leg

Bristow                          Postboy now listen carefully

Postboy                         My leg

Peach                             He’s hurt his leg

Bristow                          I’m aware of that. Listen postboy…

Peach                             You can’t talk to the boy now

Jones                             Miss Peach – Prunella – you don’t seem to understand. There’s a lot of money at stake

Postboy                         my leg my leg I think its broken (continues making gasping noises for some time)

Fudge                            What the devil is going on out here?

Jones                             It’s the postboy.

Fudge                            I can see that. Whats the matter with him?

Postboy                         Its my leg

Peach                             He thinks its broken

Fudge                            I see – well he can’t stay here. People have got to get in and out. Put him in my office

Peach                             You can’t move him

Fudge                            Bristow – who is this young lady?

Bristow                          Miss Peach – of the typing pool

Fudge                            Miss Peach! I suggest you return to the pool from whence you came and let us handle matters which concern our own department. At once!!

Postboy                         My leg. What about my leg?

Peach                             Sorry I am not moving until that child is placed under medical supervision

Bristow                          muffled groan

Fudge                            Ah lad, apart from the leg do you feel well enough to be moved?

Postboy                         I’ll try

Fudge                            Bristow, Jones, don’t just stand there give the boy a hand. And you Miss, er, instead of standing there with your hands on your hips call the medical staff and tell them to send someone up here to remove the child. Dear oh dear here comes another one. What do you want Miss Sunman?

Sunman                          Afternoon Mr Fudge – I wonder if…why there you are Miss Peach. I was sent out to look for you. Miss Glockling wants to know where you are. You’ve been absent from your desk for twenty minutes

Postboy                         Ahh, oogh

Fudge                            Gently Bristow. He’s not a sack of coals. Don’t take him to my office its all tidy in there. Take him to the sick bay

Postboy                         ow

Peach                             You're hurting him put him down

Fudge                            Sick Bay!

Peach                             Mr Fudge the boy is in pain. Mr Jones what are you doing?

Jones                             I want to get his shoes off before his feet start swelling up.

Fudge                            Better leave them Jones the child is suffering. Don’t put him down Bristow we don’t want him in here. Take him somewhere else. Sir Reginald’s party are due to arrive any minute now

Bristow                          He’s very heavy sir

Fudge                            Jones give Bristow a hand

Jones                             muffled I’m doing my best

Bristow                          Steady Jones you don’t know your own strength. Look, you said the sick bay, it was the sick bay sir?

Fudge                            I don’t care where you take him. GET HIM OUT OF HERE

Postboy                         Agh, ow

Peach                             Put him down! Give him to me

Bristow                          Watch out Miss Sunman the floor is very slippery

Sunman                          Ooghh

Sfx                                 bodies hit the ground

Bristow                          Are you alright Miss Sunman

Sunman                          Oh my leg my leg I think its broken

Sfx                                 voices approach

Smoothie                        This way Sir Reginald. This is the buying department which is run by Mr Fudge. Now careful sir the floor is slippery

Sir Reginald                    Wurgh, aargh, wufff

Sfx                                 bodies hit the ground

Sir Reginald                    Oh, ow etc

Bristow                          It’s the leg, is it sir?

Sfx                                 music link

Sfx                                 typing in background continues throughout

Bristow (VO)                 I don’t want to talk about Friday

Sfx                                 door opens

Peach                             Good morning Mr Bristow

Bristow                          Well well Miss Peach. As I live and breathe. I knew it was you. I heard the tap tapping of your walking stick coming down the corridor. How is the leg?

Peach                             Painful. How is Sir Reginald

Bristow                          When you are as rich as he is a broken leg is nothing. He’s being carried round on a litter. Eeugh, just think Miss Peach had it not been for us he would never have broken his leg. The takeover bid would have gone through and we would have been on easy street. As it was no-one made any money.

Peach                             Except Miss Sunman. She made a lot of money

Bristow                          Miss Sunman? I don’t follow. How could Miss Sunman have made money?

Peach                             She heard that Sir Reginald was getting lots of parking tickets, and being mean, like all rich people, he didn’t like it. Because of the number of tickets he was getting every time he came to town he decided to buy the building opposite, pull it down and turn it into a carpark. Miss Sunman realised this and invested heavily in consolidated carparks knowing they would carry out the work if the deal went through. When the price of their shares went up she sold out and made a small fortune. Are you alright Mr Bristow you’ve gone pale

Bristow                          I’ll be ok. I feel rather faint. Would you bring me a glass of water?

Peach                             Sparkling?

Bristow                          Anything if its good for genes

Peach                             Have sparkling – there’s a future in sparkling water. Miss Sunman bought shares in it this morning

Bristow                          Aaeugh

Peach                             Mr Bristow – Mr Bristow? Will someone help, Mr Bristow’s fainted!

Sfx                                 closing music

Announcer                     Bristow was written by Frank Dickens and featured Michael Williams as Bristow, Rodney Bewes as Jones, Owen Brenman as Hewitt, Dora Bryan as Mrs Purdy, Jon Glover as Fudge and the stationmaster, Kate Ody as Miss Sunman, Simon Schatzberger as the postboy and Carol Starks as Miss Peach and the liftboy, with David Batley as Fred Stoats.

                                      The music was composed and performed by John Whitehall, the sound recording was by Graham Harper, the director Neil Cargill.